《亲密关系》原文笔记 | 酷口家数字花园

#原文笔记

内容提要

亲密关系与泛泛之交有什么区别；大丈夫与小女子真的般配吗；吸引力的秘密是什么；男人与女人真的是不同的动物吗；同性恋真的是由基因决定的吗；单亲家庭的孩子长大后更容易离婚吗……什么是爱情？由什么构成？能持续多久？两性在发生一夜情及选择终身伴侣上有什么差异？爱情和性欲是由不同的脑区控制吗？亲密关系美满的秘诀是什么？有什么方法能让婚姻持续一生？

亲密关系是人类经验的核心，处理得好能给人带来极大的快乐，处理得不好则会造成重大创伤，因此科学地认识亲密关系，攸关我们每个人的幸福。

序一：译丛新序

现代化国家的一个重要标志就是“人”变得比“物”更为重要。

序二：译丛序

社会心理学是在第二次世界大战后兴起的一门社会科学学科，它研究的是人的心理和社会现象之间的关系，试图探讨人的思想、情感和行为是如何受到其他人影响的，这些影响包括实际的、想象中的和推测出来的人际作用。社会心理学家通常思考的问题有：我们如何认识他人（社会认知），我们如何与他人打交道（社会互动）以及文化、社会、团体如何作用于我们（社会影响）等方面的内容。

序三：英文版序

亲密关系能满足人们对归属和关爱的基本需求，亲密关系蕴含着对他人强烈的感情依恋，也常常会涉及与他人的相互依赖。众所周知，要抵御精神或身体疾病，任何人所能得到的最好保护，莫过于身边积极的社会支持网络。亲密关系能提供有意义且持久的社会支持网络，人们苦恼时可以向伴侣求助，而在伴侣需要时也能关照和帮助他们。

我个人认为，《亲密关系》是将爱情与科学、情感与理性、通俗性与学术性、理论性与实践性完美结合的百科全书式的两性心理学专著，《亲密关系》一定能让你的亲密关系获益！

序四：作者序

在McGraw-Hill公司网站上：www.mhhe.com/millerint6e为教师准备了最新的教师手册、列出每章要点的PPT教案和测试题库。

序五：中文版序

这就是为什么科学总能广泛地吸引公众，而通俗理念往往只被信奉者所接受的原因。

第1章人际关系的构成

人类社会属性的核心部分正是对亲密关系的需要。

1 亲密关系的性质和重要性

亲密关系的性质

归属需要

亲密关系和泛泛之交至少在六个方面存在程度差异：了解（knowledge）、关心（care）、相互依赖性（interdependence）、相互一致性（mutuality）、信任（trust）以及承诺（commitment）。

2 文化的影响

亲密关系变化的根源

婚姻只是一种选择，哪怕孩子就快要出生了。越来越多的人把婚期推迟，甚至干脆不结婚。即便是已婚人士，也不太可能把婚姻视为毕生神圣的承诺

社会规范的演变总是要满足那些掌握经济、政治和法律权力的强势人群的利益。在上面提到的文化中，强势人群是男性。因而，当男女数量发生变化时，人际关系的规范总是向着有利于男性的方向变化。

我们对人际关系的期望和接纳，在很大程度上取决于我们所处的时代和地区的标准。

3 个人经历的影响

这些孩子就会对他人产生焦虑、复杂的情感，这种依恋类型就是焦虑—矛盾型（anxiousambivalent）。这些孩子由于不能确定照料者是否以及何时会回来关照自己，与他人的关系就会变得紧张和过分依赖，表现出对他人的过分贪求。

人们避免和他人亲密接触，有两种不同的原因。一种情况是人们期望和他人交往，但又对他人戒心重重，害怕被人拒绝和欺骗。另一种情况是人们独立自主、自力更生，真正地喜欢我行我素和自由自在，而不愿意与他人发生紧密的依恋关系。

4 个体差异的影响

性别差异

性认同差异

人格

自尊

我们将重点考察四种不同类型个体差异：性别差异、性认同差异、人格差异和自尊差异。

也许，我们需要做更多工作并进行更复杂和精确思考的应该是个体差异，而非性别差异。个体差异才是影响人际交往的更重要的力量

性别差异指的是源自身体的两性生物性差异。相反，性认同差异指的是由文化和教育引起的两性在社会性和心理上的差异，或者叫社会性别

人们一旦投身于亲密关系之中，都期望得到关爱、温情和理解（Reis et
al.，2000）。表达性低的人（不怎么热情、温柔、敏感）不太容易表现出热情和温柔；也不怎么充满深情（Miller et
al.，2003）。因此，长期来看，与表达性低的人结婚就不如与那些更敏感、贴心和友善的人结婚过得满意（SteinerPappalardo &
Gurung，2002）。因此，屈从于传统的性别角色对男人是一种伤害，剥夺了他们本可成为更好丈夫的技能。

进一步的证据是，我们人类是高度社会化的动物：如果他人不喜欢我们，我们要喜欢自己非常困难（的确，这样做很不现实）。大多数情况下，如果不能从他人那里获得足够的接纳和欣赏，长期处在低自尊的人就会形成负面的自我评价。

我们都需要在与他人的联系和自我保护间保持平衡，但低自尊的人总把他们脆弱的自尊心置于亲密关系之上。

5 人类本性的影响

演化学原理认为：任何普遍的心理机制之所以以它目前的形式存在，是因为它一直有利于人类解决过去的生存或繁殖问题

6 人际互动的影响

它来源于你每天和伴侣不断付出以及不断接受的动态过程；信任是流动的过程而非静止不变的事物，它在你所有的人际关系中时起时落。

信任是流动的过程而非静止不变的事物，它在你所有的人际关系中时起时落。

7 人际关系的消极面

那么为什么还要冒这种风险呢？因为我们人类是社会化的动物，我们需要彼此。没有与他人的亲密联系，我们就会枯萎和死亡。

第2章研究方法

你应该责无旁贷地做一名见识广博的读者，从而能分辨确凿的事实和虚浮的奇谈。

1 关系科学研究简史

态度一致比不一致更能让参与者喜欢陌生人。

你也可以在国际人际关系研究会（International Association for Relationship
Research，最大的国际性人际关系学家组织）查阅最新的人际关系研究资料，其网址是：http://www.iarr.org。

2 问题的提出

任何科学研究的第一步就是提出问题。

第二，更加重要的是，有思想的读者要抵制诱惑，不要试图从以描述为目的的研究中得出因果联系。只有某些特定的研究设计才能让我们洞察事件之间的因果联系，聪明的读者不要匆忙得出研究结果并不支持的虚假结论。

3 参与者的选取

第一种方法是使用容易接触到的任何人，只要他们同意参加实验，这种方法叫方便取样（convenience sample）

最引人注目的结果是，没有女性接受来自陌生人的性要求，但75%的男性接受了性要求——这比接受约会要求的人还多！

作为人际关系科学的明智读者，你应该尝试像科学家那样思考：没有一项研究是完美的。再次提醒你，各种不同的研究方法都是有价值的。智慧需要时间的历练，但真理就在不远处，我们正不断地向它靠近。

4 研究的设计

5 场景的选择

6 数据的性质

自我报告

观察法

生理测量

档案材料

实验室场景可能引发参与者的虚假行为，使我们对他们的典型行为认识不足。另一方面，自然场景可能难以控制，充满与研究问题无关的干扰变量。

我们测量到的事件真正是我们试图测量的（这就是效度）；如果这些事件不会发生变化，那么我们在不同时间的测量结果应该一样（这就是信度）。

自我服务偏差（self-serving
bias，在第4章还会谈到），它会使人们高估自己在人际关系积极事件中的作用，而低估在消极事件中的过失。人们喜欢用积极眼光看待自己，所以会把自己的成功归于自己，而面对失败则推脱自己的责任。

社会赞许性偏差（social desirability bias），指的是人们希望给他人留下好印象而歪曲事实。

不好的结果是，如果人们太过频繁地使用“你”这个词，他们往往比不常使用“你”的人更不满意自己的人际关系

观察研究还面临反应性（reactivity）问题的影响：如果人们知道有人观察自己就会改变行为。

亲密的爱情和饥渴的性欲看起来是由大脑不同部分控制的。（对此你感到奇怪吗？）

7 研究应遵循的道德规范

亲密关系可以带给人类最伟大、最荣耀的幸福体验，但它也可以使人绝望痛苦和万劫不复。关系学家相信，努力探索增加人们快乐和减少痛苦的方法，是人际关系研究最根本的道德。

8 结果的解释和整合

请牢记，我们碰到的结果通常描述了普通人群明显的行为模式，但因为存在个体差异（参看第1章），这些模式适合特定个体的程度存在差别。请不要太天真，幼稚地以为实际上的确符合大多数人的研究结果是错误的，只因为该结果似乎并不适合你认识的某个人。我希望你能成熟点，辩证思考，富有理性。

我希望你能慎思而不盲信，也希望你了解你要学习的内容的复杂性。记住要像科学家那样思考：没有一项研究是完美无缺的，但真理就在前方。

9 最后要点

人们喜欢轻松容易的答案，喜欢简单干脆的信息。如果科学事实难于掌握，很多人实际上更喜欢简单的谬论，如“男人来自火星、女人来自金星”这样的观点。

第3章吸引力

从心理学来看，迈向成功人际关系的第一步永远一样：人际吸引，即接近他人的愿望。感觉到他人的吸引力不一定就能保证建立人际联系，但却使人际交往成为可能。

1 吸引力的基础：一种奖赏

人与人之间产生吸引力最基本的假设是：他人的出现对于我们有奖赏意义

2 临近：喜欢身边的人

方便：远亲不如近邻

熟识：重复接触

临近的作用

大部分时候，当人们面对面地交往时（在身体上，而且在心理上都更接近），这样的人际关系奖赏价值更高。确实，现实空间上的临近（proximity）通常首先决定了人们能否相遇。多数情况下，友谊和爱情都源自与身边人的交往。

一旦我们确定了居住、工作或上学的准确地点，我们大体上也就决定了哪些人将会成为我们生命中最重要的人。

重复地接触他人（甚至只要看到他人照片）通常能增加我们对他们的喜欢程度，而不会导致厌烦，此即曝光效应

要给临近的作用下一个定论的话，就是它能增强我们对他人的情感。我们往往更喜欢身边的人，然而如果他们令我们厌烦，那么临近只会雪上加霜。

3 长相吸引力：喜欢那些可爱的人

对美丽的偏见：“美的就是好的”

吸引力的秘密

长相吸引力的演化观

文化也起作用

长相的重要性

美丽：交织着的代价与收益

长相吸引力的匹配

长相吸引力对人们第一印象的形成有着重要的影响。一般来说，且先不管对错，我们倾向于认为外貌俊美的人更讨人喜欢，更好相处

在职场中，貌美之人比一般长相的人工资更高、晋升更快。平均而言，与中等相貌之人相比，貌美的雇员多赚5%，而丑陋的家伙少挣9%

女性喜欢哪种男人脸型取决于她们的月经周期：当处在排卵前的受孕期，她们会觉得不修边幅、具有男子气特征的面孔更吸引人，但其他时间则更喜欢青春型、具有孩子气特征的男性面孔（Little
et al.，2002）。

“平均化”了的面孔就是有吸引力的面孔。

男性光有好身材并不能吸引女性，除非他还有其他资源；只有当他能挣一份体面的薪水时，他的腰臀比例才会影响女性对他的评价（Singh，1995）。男性即使英俊但若贫穷，对女性并不那么有吸引力。

面容英俊的男性比面容丑陋的男性的精子更健康，更有活性（

因而，现代男性普遍偏爱体型对称、娃娃脸面孔、腰臀比例低的女性，现代（受孕期内的）女性普遍偏爱体型对称、男子气、精力充沛的男性。这种偏爱是演化而来的倾向，它根源于人类的本性而不是特定文化传承的结果。

全世界只有在富足的年代，人们才认为苗条的女子更迷人

如果你非常有吸引力，你或许永远无法确定别人赞美你是因为欣赏你的能力还是喜欢你的长相。

已确定爱情关系的伴侣，他们的长相吸引力往往是类似的；即他们的容貌是相匹配的。这种现象称为匹配（matching）。

4 礼尚往来：喜欢那些喜欢我们的人

对未来伴侣的期望值=伴侣的外表吸引力×伴侣接纳自己的可能性

5 相似性：喜欢与我们相像的人

有吸引力的相像种类

相异并不相吸

人际吸引最基本的原则之一就是相像律：同性相吸（相类似的人彼此吸引对方）

其次是态度和价值观的相像

那些在家庭背景、性格、长相吸引力以及态度上相像的人比不相像的人更有可能互相吸引。

伴侣们还可能有着相似的性格。处事风格和人格特质相像的人往往在彼此邂逅时就能和睦相处；

也许看上去不太浪漫，但名望、财富、健康、才能和长相等等都像商品一样，能用来吸引心仪的伴侣

当伴侣第一次相遇，彼此的吸引力主要建立在“刺激”信息基础上，包括年龄、性别、长相等明显的外部特征。随后就进入“价值观”阶段，吸引力取决于彼此态度和信念的相像程度，人们开始了解彼此是否喜欢同样的比萨、电影和度假方式（见图3.8）。再往后，“角色”的相容性才变得更重要，此时伴侣们最终发现他们在养育方式、事业、居家等基本的生活要务上是否一致

最有吸引力的伴侣仍然是那些在很多方面和我们相像，但又拥有我们通过努力就能实现的理想特征的人

6 障碍：得不到的就喜欢

如果我们面临失去某种事物的危险时，我们可能反而想得到更多。

7 男女两性期望的理想伴侣

● 热情和忠诚，值得信赖、亲切友善、给予支持、善解人意；● 吸引力和活力，长相俊美、性感、外向；● 社会地位和资源，经济宽裕、生活安心。

第4章社会认知

重点是，选择权就掌握在你的手中；同一个事实可以有很多不同的解释。但不论你选择何种解释，你的判断都可能非常重要。其结果是你的认知既可能巩固也可能损害你们之间的关系。

1 第一印象及其影响

2 知觉的力量

伴侣的理想化

归因过程

记忆

关系信念

期望

自我知觉

3 印象管理

印象管理策略

亲密关系中的印象管理

对他人的判断受到首因效应（primacy effect）的影响，从而使最先获得的信息印象深刻，即时印象和刻板印象一起，塑造出他人的整体印象。

第一印象影响着人们对随后所获信息的解释，也影响着人们对新信息的择取。如果要检查对别人形成的第一印象是否真实，人们更有可能去寻找可以证实自己信念的信息，而不是查找证明自己错误的资料。

人们很少意识到自己持有的观点往往都是通过选择而采纳的，这种选择进而会促进或妨碍亲密关系的满足。

最保险的策略是在心中这样假定：即便是你最亲密的伴侣也很少能真正理解你所有行为的原因。

安全依恋型的人倾向于宽容地采用改善关系的归因，而不安全型的人则更为悲观

心理学家用重构性记忆（reconstructivememory）这一术语来描述随着新信息的获得人们会不断地修订和改写记忆。

什么样的观念有害呢？应警惕以下六个观点：
● 争吵具有破坏性。争吵就表明伴侣爱自己还不够深。如果彼此深深相爱，就不会发生任何争执。
●
“读心术”很重要。真正彼此关爱的伴侣仅凭直觉就能知道对方的需要和偏好，根本不需要告知对方自己的所思所想。如果必须告诉伴侣自己的想法和愿望，那只能说明伴侣爱自己还不够深。
● 伴侣是不会发生改变的。一旦亲密关系变糟，就无法得到改善。如果爱人曾伤害过你，毫无疑问还会一而再，再而三地伤害你。
● 每一次的性生活都应该是完美的。只要爱情是忠贞的，每一次的性生活都应该是神奇美妙、令人满足的。伴侣应该经常渴望并为性生活做好准备。
● 男人和女人就是不一样。男人和女人的性格和需要非常不同，很难真正理解对方。
● 美好姻缘天注定。根本无需努力来维护美满的夫妻关系。夫妻要么彼此脾性相投、快乐到老，要么格格不入、争执一生。

根据成长信念（growth
belief），幸福的关系是努力和付出的回报，如果伴侣一起努力战胜挑战、克服困难，良性的亲密关系就能逐渐建立起来。其基本假设是：只要努力付出，几乎任何亲密关系都能取得成功。

自我概念对人们选择亲密伴侣具有导向作用。他人的赞许和接纳令人愉快，但在长期的亲密关系中，人们更偏爱能确证自我认知的反应。这就意味着虽然大多数人对那些赞美他们的伴侣感到很满足，但具有负面自我概念的人不会这样；他们觉得能证实自己糟糕的自我观念的伴侣更理解自己、感觉更亲切

显然自恋者都是颇为糟糕的伴侣，但要一开始就看穿他们却非常困难（Back et
al.，2010）。他们的自信早先是能打动人的，常常要花很多时间才能认识到他们是多么自私、小气和暴躁。所以自恋者常以“致命的吸引”形式出现，一开始或许具有吸引力，但长期来看却是要人命的

所以，不论我们是否能意识到，我们总是在进行着印象管理（impression management），试图影响别人对我们的印象。

自我监控（selfmonitoring）能力高的人善于调整自己的行为，以适应各种情境下的不同规范。他们对社会线索敏感，知道自己应该做什么，他们愿意也有能力灵活地调整自己的行为以适应当前的情境。

4 我们了解伴侣的程度

了解

动机

伴侣的易理解性

知觉者的能力

危险的知觉

知觉者的影响

小结

他人看待我们比我们自己认为得更自信、更有良知、更少神经质（Allik et
al.，2010）。他们较少意识到我们的焦虑、偶尔的胆怯和未曾实现的计划，所以他们并不了解我们私底下的软弱无助。

如果我们了解他人的动机很强就能更准确地了解他们。

对自己不愿听闻的消息人们是不会关注的。

因为亲密伴侣会持续不断地改变和塑造彼此的行为举止，当我们将伴侣引导成为我们所希望的人时，起初不准确的认知会变得越来越正确。

有些人总能看到亲密关系光明的一面，将伴侣往好处想，采用改善关系的归因，期待得到善意和慷慨的回应——这就是他们所得到的。然而另一些人却怀疑自己的伴侣，预期着最糟糕的情况——因而使得亲密关系更可能失败。

第5章沟通

在传递者想表达的信息和接受者认为自己获知的内容之间通常存在差别，即人际隔阂。

1 非言语沟通

非言语沟通的组成

非言语的敏感性

首先，非言语行为具有提供信息（providing information）的作用，提示着人们的情绪状态和所说话语的真实意图。

最后，非言语行为还能表达亲密、传递权力和地位的信号，从而能限定关系（define the relationship）的性质。

遗憾的是，面部表情在非言语沟通中如此惹人注目，人们有时会刻意控制以掩饰自己真实的情感。有时，这样做是因为要遵守表现规则（display
rules），即在特定情境下为适合文化规范而展示面部表情（Zaalberg et al.，2004）。

沟通双方更多的注视行为，不仅能表露单纯的兴趣，而且能传递关爱之情。

身体语言能有效传递信息的原因之一是它比面部表情更难以控制；它更具“泄露性”，也就是说即使我们企图加以掩饰，它仍可能暴露我们真实的感受

副语言（paralanguage）指除了言语过程中的词语之外，个体发出的各种声音特征，如节奏、音调、音量和速度，比如说话时气喘、嗓子沙哑或者尖溜、哧哧笑、整句话带鼻音、某个字音拉得很长、结结巴巴说话不连贯等等。

情人之间延迟应答的时间更长，谈话间经常有沉默，总体上说得更少（Guerrero，1997）。

但如果人们的话语和动作之间存在不一致，言语背后的真实意图往往表现在非言语沟通当中，而不是言语沟通中

如果人们的交往轻松愉快，往往会自动地使他们的非言语行为保持同步，根本无需思考；如果一方用手抓了下自己的鼻子，另一方也很可能会这么做。一旦出现这种情形，交谈往往非常流畅顺利，更重要的是交谈双方更倾向于喜欢彼此，即使他们并没有注意到相互之间的模仿

一方面，伴侣的非言语沟通技能可能决定他们关系的满意程度；技能差会导致关系差，而技能好则会提升愉快的伴侣关系。另一方面，伴侣的关系满意度可能决定他们在沟通中努力的程度；关系差会引起沟通不良，而关系好则会促进良性沟通。

2 言语沟通

自我表露

言语沟通中的性别差异

向他人透露个人信息的过程就是自我表露（self-
disclosure），它是亲密程度的指标之一：如果两个人彼此之间不共同拥有一些相对秘密的私人信息，他们的关系就称不上亲密

有一种自我表露你绝对应该积极地勤加练习：告诉你爱的人你爱他。你诚实表达的钟爱、关心、温情和呵护对于想亲近你的人都是巨大的奖赏

更醒目的是，男性不如女性那样经常畅所欲言、抒发观点，但一旦男性开谈，就滔滔不绝，容不得别人打断（Leaper &
Ayres，2007）。女性虽然说话较多，但很少做长篇独白式讲演。

在线沟通存在大量的人际隔阂。

男性常常依赖于从女性那里得到温情和亲密，反过来女性却较少依赖于男性（Wheeler et
al.，1983）：女性可能与男女两性伙伴都有着亲密的、开放的和支持性的联系，而男性则可能只与女性共享最有意义的亲密情感。因而，男性一生中或许需要与女人交往来避免孤独，但在这方面女性通常并不需要男性。

与此相反，双性化的男性（既自信果断又热情外向）能很轻松地向男性和女性进行自我表露，从而体验到与所有朋友交往的乐趣；结果他们不会感到孤独，与表达性低、传统型的男人相比，他们会花费更多的时间与女性交往

两性都认为，伴侣要充分地表达出对自己的爱意、尊重和呵护，这一能力是亲密关系不可或缺的

3 沟通障碍及其应对

沟通不良

精确表述

积极倾听

守礼而镇定

尊重和确认的力量

尽可能清楚明白、详细具体地指出惹怒我们的特定行为，伴侣间的沟通就会变得更为明智、准确。这种方法就是行为描述（behavior
description），这样不仅能告诉伴侣自己的想法，还能把谈话重点集中在可处理的、单独的某个行为上，而行为比人格更容易改变。

那么你该说些什么？很简单，试试“我很抱歉”或“为你感到悲痛”，然后打住。不要用展望乐观的未来来安慰丧亲者。不要暗示亲人的死并不是最悲惨、最可怕的那种类型。也不要就所谓的化悲痛为力量提供详细建议。这些做法可能出自好意，但它们最终会侮辱丧亲者正在遭受的痛苦。只要表达衷心的同情就可以了。点头致意，耐心倾听，不要判断评价。

在沟通中当我们接受到他人的信息时，有两个重要的任务要完成。第一是要准确地理解对方话语所表达的意思，第二是要向对方传达关注和理解，让他知道我们对他的话是在意的。这两个任务都可以通过复述（paraphrasing）接受到的信息而完成，即用自己的话重复对方的意思，让信息的传递者有机会肯定那就是他真正想要表达的意思。

良好的沟通包括很多构成要素：有意识地努力传递清晰、直接的信息，认真倾听，即使出现争执仍保持礼貌和克制等等。但最关键的要素却是明确地表现我们对伴侣观点的关心和尊重

4 社会交换

奖赏和代价

人际关系的期望收益

人际关系的替代收益

人际关系的四种类型

与时俱变的比较水平

我们在寻求以最小代价获取能提供最大奖赏价值的人际交往，我们只会与那些能提供足够利益的伴侣维持亲密关系

人际交往的结果是正还是负并不重要，重要的是我们评价结果的两个标准。第一个标准是我们的期望，第二个标准是假如没有现在的伴侣，我们认为自己会过得怎样。

但是如果你的工作非常糟糕、工资也低，你非常讨厌，但你不会辞职，因为这是你目前能得到的最好的工作，那么你就会理解我这里所讨论的情形。这就是这类人所处的困境。

较小利益原则（principle of lesser interest）认为，较少依赖于亲密关系的伴侣在关系中拥有更大的权力

非常明显，找到你生命中的真爱并不能让你永远幸福。

5 亲密关系的经济论

奖赏的作用不同于代价

与时俱变的奖赏和代价

你在重要的亲密关系中能否最终取得成功，有时或许取决于你适应外部不可控压力的能力

失去通常比同等程度的得到对我们的影响更大；我们喜欢得到，但我们更憎恨失去

要想亲密关系兴旺繁荣，需要更多的奖赏而不是减少代价

当对伴侣的行为所带来的愉悦进行评定时，妻子们特别欣赏丈夫表示关爱的行为，而丈夫们则喜欢妻子任务指向的帮助行为。

根据自我延伸模型，保持快乐的关键是创造性地发现持续你个人成长的方法，从而消除关系的沉闷。

满意的夫妻往往具有低神经症和高自尊的特征；即使讨论棘手的难题也带着关爱和幽默，不会滋生愤怒；他们遭遇的应激源（如经济困难和健康问题）也相对较少

6 亲密关系中的贪婪

相互依赖的实质

交换关系与共有关系

公平关系

小结

如果你想使珍视的亲密关系继续下去，确保伴侣对你的依赖和你对伴侣的依赖程度一样，这对你是非常有利的。这样做一个最直接的方法是，为伴侣提供高水平的关系结果，使他们渴望维系关系

公平理论最有意思的一个方面是，它明确地认为处在不公平的亲密关系中的任何人都是紧张的。我们都能理解为什么获益不足的伴侣会不快乐；他们受到了欺骗和剥削，因而会感到愤怒和憎恨。另一方面，过度获益的伴侣虽然得到很多好处，但有一定程度上会有负疚感

如果奖赏高而成本（和期望）低，人们最为快乐。但因为在亲密关系中我们寻求的奖赏取决于伴侣，所以满足伴侣也与我们的利益攸关。如果我们希望亲密关系持续，我们会很乐意保证亲密伴侣的幸福，并且很少会剥削他们。这样的行为或许受到自私动机的激励，但它仍是周到体贴、宽容大度和充满爱意的。所以，即使这类行为最终表现出贪婪性，但并不令人讨厌，也不具有剥削性。

7 承诺的本质

承诺引起的后果

决定承诺的第三个因素就是个体在现存亲密关系中的投入程度。无论替代选择的质量如何，也无论个体是否幸福，高投入都会增加承诺。

投入模型认为在以下三种情况下人们希望与现有的伴侣保持亲密：感到幸福；没有其他更好的选择；离开的代价太高

承诺引起的最重要的结果可能是，它会使人们采取行动以保护和维持亲密关系，即使这样做的代价很高

承诺的人还表现出更大程度的牺牲意愿（willingness to sacrifice），为了关系的融洽而牺牲自我利益

8 友谊的本质

友谊的属性

友谊的规则

9 友谊的毕生变化

童年期

青少年期

成年早期

中年期

老年期

友谊（friendship）定义为“一种自发的人际关系，通常表现出亲密和扶助，双方彼此欣赏，并企求对方的陪伴”

喜欢和爱恋都包含对伙伴正面、热情的评价，但浪漫的爱情还包括对伴侣的着迷、性的欲望和比友谊强烈得多的排他性的愿望

我们获得的援助或社会支持有4种（Barry et
al.，2009）。表现为关爱、接纳和安慰等形式的感情支持；表现为拥抱或搂抱的身体安慰；表现为资讯和指导形式的建议支持；和表现为金钱或物品的物质支持或有形援助。

长期来看，真正起作用的并非朋友具体的帮助行为，而是我们对朋友帮助行为的认知。

真正地对他人感兴趣。
保持微笑。
记住别人的名字，这是他能听到的任何话语中最甜美、最重要的声音。
耐心倾听。鼓励别人谈论他们自己。
谈论别人感兴趣的话题。
让别人感到自己重要——诚心实意地这么做。

卡耐基是对的，人们喜欢接受到他人的热情和关注、兴趣和支持，保持应答性是结交和维系朋友的好方法。

大学毕业之后，人们往往只与少数几个朋友交往，但与朋友之间的人际交往层次更深、相互依赖程度更强。

已婚人士有自己的私人朋友没什么坏处，但如果只有独享式的友谊似乎就有风险。

10 友谊的差异

同性友谊中的性别差异

友谊的个体差异

男性友谊缺乏亲密，可能不是因为他们没有能力和其他男性分享有意义、亲密的相互依赖。相反，它是社会文化压力之下迫不得已的选择。

11 友谊发展的障碍

羞怯

孤独

羞怯是在社交情境下沉默寡言和抑制行为结合紧张不安的综合症状

然而，大多数羞怯者可能根本就不需要接受社交技能的正式培训，因为他们只要精神放松，不再担心别人的评判，就可以表现得坦荡豁达。假如现在你受到羞怯的困扰，只要你实际上能较少在意别人对你的看法，就能给人留下更好的印象。

当我们想拥有与他人更多、更亲密的接触而不得时，就会产生孤独感

人们会受到两种孤独的困扰（Weiss，1973），其一是社会隔离（social
isolation），指的是我们不满于缺少朋友和熟人的社交网络而引起的孤独；其二是情感隔离（emotional
isolation），指的是我们缺乏深厚的人际关系而引起的孤独。

的确，人们的人格特点能预测他们后来孤独的程度；高水平的外倾性、随和性和尽责性都和低孤独有关联，而高神经质会增加孤独的发生（Cacioppo et
al.，2006）。

男性则相反，他们与其他男性只能保持相对肤浅的人际交往，一般只有在与女性交往时，他们才能真正敞开心扉。因此，男性似乎依赖于女性以避免孤独，而女性则不会反过来依赖男性避免孤独

的确，如果你能采用更积极的方法——关注他人的优秀品质，期望他们愉悦友善，并且耐心地承认友谊的建立需要花费时间——你就可能会享有与他人更有价值的交往。

第8章爱情

纵观人类历史，通常择偶标准和浪漫爱情并无多大的关联（Ackerman，1994）；人们的婚配有着政治的、经济的、实用的和家庭的原因，而独独不会仅仅因为彼此相爱而结合。

1 爱情简史

相反，古希腊人崇尚柏拉图式的爱情，表现为两位男性之间不带性欲色彩的爱慕。

2 爱情类型

爱情三角理论

浪漫狂热之爱

相伴之爱

同情之爱

爱恋风格

爱情是构筑在宽容、关爱和沟通的基础之上，爱情是“熊熊燃烧着的友谊”

爱情的第一个成分是亲密（intimacy），包括热情、理解、沟通、支持和分享等爱情关系中常见的特征。第二个成分是激情（passion），其主要特征为性的唤醒和欲望。激情常以性渴望的形式出现，但任何能使伴侣感到满足的强烈情感需要都可以归入此类。爱情的最后一个成分是承诺（commitment），指投身于爱情和努力维护爱情的决心。承诺在本质上主要是认知性的，而亲密是情感性的，激情则是一种动机或者驱力。恋爱关系的“火热”来自激情，温情来自亲密；相形之下，承诺反映的则是完全与情感或性情无关的决策。

所以，事实上，我们并不爱恋的人也完全有可能勾起我们强烈的性欲望，而从使我们快乐地依恋的人身上却可能感觉不到多少激情（Diamond，2004）。（这一点你也许已经认识到了。）

不同类型的高唤醒，包括简单的体力活动和恐惧、厌恶、快乐等情绪状态，似乎都可以提高我们对合意伴侣所感受到的浪漫吸引力

人们会因为朋友好、适应能力强、可爱而喜欢他们。但人们爱恋自己的爱人，是因为需要他们，并且愿意为对方做任何事情。浪漫爱情的思维里有一种热切之情，这是仅仅喜欢别人所缺乏的。

事实上，爱情和友谊的主要差别在于我们的想象——爱侣是迷人、神秘而且有吸引力的，而朋友则不是这样

随着伴侣给我们带来了新的体验和新的社会角色，爱情会使我们的自我概念得到扩展和变化，我们会渐渐了解我们以前所不认识的自己

三角理论认为相伴之爱是亲密和承诺的结合，但我们可以更充分地把它描绘成“对可爱伴侣的舒心的、温情的、信任的爱恋，它以深厚的友谊为基础，包含相伴相随、共同的爱好活动、互相关注和一起欢笑”

浪漫之爱是“盲目的”，但同情之爱却根源于对伴侣优点和缺点更准确的理解之上；我们认识到他们的不足，但我们不管怎样还是爱他们

3 爱情能持久吗

浪漫爱情为何难以持久

爱情的未来怎样

但人们不可能永远保持紧张的激动状态！就浪漫的爱情而言，当伴侣变得熟悉时大脑可能根本无法产生足够多的多巴胺，所以即使你的伴侣能一如既往地完美，你也不能像过去那样被唤醒。无论如何，不管何种原因，爱情的激情成分比亲密和承诺会更快地发生变化（Ahmetoglu
et al.，2010），这就意味着浪漫的爱情也会发生改变。

这就是你的爱情策略。享受激情，但不要把它作为维持爱情关系的基础。培养与爱人之间的友谊。努力保持新鲜感；把握住每一个与配偶共同进行新奇探索的机会（Strong
& Aron，2006）。如果对爱人急迫的欲望渐渐演变为平静而深厚的情感，不要觉得奇怪或失望。这种幸福的结果可能会让你成为幸运的爱人。

4 性行为

第一次性行为

忠诚关系中的性行为

不贞

性欲望

安全而明智的性行为

亲密关系中性行为最重要的特点是：性生活为伴侣双方所期待，并且双方都能得到满足。

发生性行为的各种理由如此纷繁庞杂，可以将其大体分为四个方面。其一涉及性的情感成分，以性行为作为沟通、传递爱意和忠诚的手段。其二涉及性的肉欲方面，包括从性行为中获得的感官享受和未来伴侣的长相吸引力。其三是更为实用的理由，包括要实现某些长远目标或完成某些具体目的的愿望，从生孩子到使伴侣嫉妒，范围极广。最后是不安全的理由，包括提高个体的自尊或防止伴侣移情别恋。

有一种特别的偏差叫特殊安全错觉（illusion of unique
invulnerability），也会影响到我们对风险的估计。大多数人都会认为不幸的事件通常更可能发生在别人身上，而自己不会这么倒霉，所以我们不会采取明智的预防措施，以避免可以预见到的危险

第10章压力与紧张

负面事件的出现，表明我们得不到伴侣的爱慕和尊敬。

1 感知到的关系价值

我们在知觉到自己的关系价值（relational
value）——即他人认为与我们的亲密关系珍贵、重要或亲近的程度——低于我们的期望时就会感到苦恼（Leary，2005）。

2 感情创伤

当人们从矛盾情感转变到欢迎我们时，自尊急剧增加，但任何程度的拒绝都会使我们的自尊降至最低点。他人忽视我们带给我们的感受，和命令我们离开或者驱逐我们几乎一样糟糕。

所以，他人温和的拒绝带来的感受通常和更大程度的拒绝一样糟糕。

显然关系贬值（relational
devaluation）——即我们感知到的关系价值减少或者他人对我们的尊重明显下降——带给人的感受尤为可怕，会引起多种痛苦的情绪反应。

3 伴侣排斥

如果遭遇冷遇，高自尊的人比低自尊的人更有可能结束与排斥者的人际关系，去寻找能更友好相处的新伴侣——可能正是因为这个原因，他们不太会遭遇沉默对待。

4 嫉妒

嫉妒的两种类型

容易嫉妒的人

让人嫉妒的人

让人嫉妒的事物

对嫉妒的反应

积极有效地应对嫉妒

但界定妒忌最恰当的三种情感是：伤害、愤怒和恐惧

反应性嫉妒（reactive jealousy）是指人们在觉察到自己所珍视的亲密关系面临实际的威胁时产生的嫉妒心理

这就是婚配要讲究门当户对的另一个原因，人们总是与具有类似适配价值的人共结连理（见第3章）：大多数人都想得到最合意的伴侣，但如果他们真的拥有了完美的伴侣，却又会因为伴侣能得到更优秀的伴侣而感觉到威胁。

不论你是否拥有自己伴侣的爱恋，如果你不能确信自己是个有价值的人，那么这很可能危及你和伴侣的健康。

5 背叛

背叛的个体差异

背叛的两面性

应对背叛

（1）勇敢地正视背叛而不否认它的存在；（2）以积极的眼光重新解释背叛，并把它作为促进个人成长的动力；（3）依靠朋友，寻求支持

6 宽恕

如果伴侣偶尔有不良行为并且值得原谅，那么宽恕有益，但如果伴侣没有悔意，宽恕实际上有害，会削弱你的自尊（Luchies et
al.，2010），延缓任何问题的解决（McNulty，2010）。

第11章冲突

并且他们越是相互依赖——待在一起的时间越长，要协调的活动和任务种类越广泛——冲突就越可能发生（Miller，1997b）。在亲密关系中冲突是不可避免的。

1 冲突的性质

冲突的定义

冲突的频率

总之，这四个辩证法式的矛盾——自主性对联系性、开放对封闭、稳定对变化和聚合对分离——能解释已婚夫妻最近发生的三分之一以上的打斗和争吵（Erbert，2000）。

2 冲突的过程

激发事件

归因

介入和升级

要求/退避模式

协商和顺应

应对冲突：四类夫妻

激发冲突的事件分成四个常见类别：批评、无理要求、拒绝和累积的烦恼。

善意的归因用有利的眼光来看待伴侣，使得冲突更可能得到解决，这就是这类归因能增进亲密关系持续满意度的一个原因

友善的直接手段包括（1）通过接受责任或者做出让步或妥协表明解决问题的意愿；（2）通过复述表明支持对方的观点；（3）用“第一人称陈述”进行自我表露；（4）提供赞许和关爱。间接的手段是友好的、没有讥讽意义的幽默，这些手段能放松心情。

激烈的争吵未必会损害亲密关系，尤其在争吵时保持一定程度的同理心和尊重的情况下。不必恐惧真正的激情，只要其中包含对伴侣的关心。但任何情况下都不应让争吵变得刻薄、讽刺和粗暴。冲突只要变得恶毒和刻薄就具有腐蚀性。

3 冲突的结果

冲突的结束

冲突的益处

冲突本身就是促进亲密感必不可少的手段。

第12章权力和暴力

社交权力（power）指的是影响他人行为并抵制他人影响自己的一种能力

1 权力和相互依赖

权力的来源

资源的类型

男女两性和资源的控制

权力的过程

权力的结果

权力的两面性

根据相互依赖理论，权力是建立在对有价值资源控制的基础上。如果我控制了你想拥有事物的使用权，你可能就会心甘情愿地服从我的指令（在合理的范围里），以便得到你想拥有的事物，那么我就对你拥有权力。

2 离婚率的变化

离婚的普遍性

离婚率增加的原因

随意的同居看来会导致：（1）对婚姻制度的不尊重；（2）对婚姻结果的不利期望；（3）更强烈的离婚意愿（Rhoades et
al.，2009b），所有这些都使人们更可能离婚。

3 离婚的征兆

障碍模型

脆弱—应激—适应模型

亲密关系适应过程（PAIR）项目结果

婚姻早期岁月（EYM）项目结果

婚姻问题的个体知觉

特定的离婚信号

4 分手

与婚前伴侣的分手

离婚的步骤

● 自主：允许你的伴侣在亲密关系之外结交朋友和保持兴趣；不要有太强的占有欲。（占有欲提及的次数占37%。）●
相似：你和伴侣应该有着类似的态度、价值观和兴趣；差别不要太大。（30%的次数被提及。）●
支持：提升伴侣的自我价值和自尊；不要粗心大意或不够体贴。（27%）● 开放：真诚而又真实地进行自我表露；不要一言不发。（22%）●
忠贞：对你的伴侣保持忠诚和贞节；不要出轨。（17%）● 共处：拥有很多在一起的时间；不要夜不归宿或者跑出市区。（16%）●
公平：公正公平；不要利用和剥削你的伴侣。（12%）● 魔力：保持浪漫；拒绝平庸。（10%）

5 亲密关系的维持和提升

保持忠诚

保持满足

听好了。要有义务地去注意伴侣为你付出的关爱、仁慈和慷慨。然后，每一周都要和你的伴侣分享你最欣赏的三个友善之举，无论巨细。

6 修复关系

自我实践

预防性维持

婚姻治疗

● 能改变伴侣观点和行为的承诺所具有的力量。鼓励伴侣以长期的眼光来看待他们一起努力创造的未来。●
一起快乐生活的重要性。说服伴侣在日常生活的基础上一起重视玩乐。● 关于性的坦诚沟通所带来的价值。建议伴侣清楚而坦诚地表达他们的性欲望，并不时地尝试新事物。●
不恰当期望的后果。鼓励伴侣认识他们的期望，对自己的期望保持理性，并清楚地沟通他们的期望。

最普通的现象是，想要得到更多注意和关爱的伴侣却以一种看似挑剔和责备别人的方式来索求，伴侣另一方的反应当然是躲避得越远越好。伴侣双方都得不到安慰，也没有人幸福，并且这种可憎的索求和退避循环可能会不断加剧。

7 结语

● 他们珍视婚姻，并认为婚姻是长期的承诺和忠诚；● 幽默感非常有益于婚姻；● 他们非常相似，在大部分事情上都能达成一致意见；●
他们真正地喜欢自己的配偶，喜欢与配偶共度美好时光。

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